Rhod Gilbert on BBC Radio Wales.

If you are listening to this, you are listening to Rhod Gilbert's Best Bits, some of the best bits of my Saturday morning radio show, live on BBC Radio Wales. This week, I'm in the kitchen in London, and I'm joined by Little Lloyd Langford.

We've got Human Audio B__ ... / Yeah. / ... which / you __ / last week / show / if you remember / related / I'm a celebrity / get me out of here / which neither of us / or interested in. Uh ... but it was / last week's Human Audio B__ / this is the phrase that you can repeat __ __ __ to friends and loved ones / until they lose the plot, and then tell me about it. Last week's phrase was, "I can't believe ..." / I can't believe how steamy / Jungle Joey is getting / Jungle Joey is getting / from / front page / tabloids / very little interest / in the week / through the podcast / Audio B__. So, I thought / just / throw / anothre similar one / that's / work / I just / keep trying / maybe your listeners / cultivated them 'cause you are not interested in "I'm a celebrity" ... you've almost, subliminally ... maybe subliminally / Yeah, yeah. / you need / something that they ... / that's why / nice, wouldn't it? If / got somebody / watch that programme __ ... constantly banging on about it / Human Audio B__ / this week's / I can't see things get any steamier for Jungle Joey / I can't see things ... / jot that down __ __ __ forget / it / any steamier for Jungle Joey / last seven days / Haven't you seen how steamy / got / tabloid / have to read the tabloid for this radio show, to get ... to get some content, Lloyd, ... 'cause __ feature __ never take off. I have to get content / how steamy things are getting / No, I haven't. You told me that he ... he ... / somebody ... shampooed his hair. / Oh really? / Yeah. / What? Unconditioned? / I don't know. I didn't read all of it. ... I didn't ... I didn't read the whole article. I just __ __ headline. It was, uh ... / I can't remember exactly what it was, but it was, you know, / things get so steamy / rather / Oh yeah / d__-free / Yeah. ... So, this week's __ Human Audio B__ / get things any steamier now. / No? / Not for Jungle Joey / he / for rinse and repeat /

What do you think of this idea, Lloyd? / OK. Hit me. / No, that's not the idea. / rail users entertain fellow passengers by playing pianos appearing on / in the United Kingdom / they do that in the United Kingdom / I saw / in the airport / King's Cross / Pancras. / Have you? / Yeah, in the concourse / they / piano / anyone can ... / good people playing it as well / turn up and play / gentlemen / excuse me / tap on the shoulder / no / p__ guy / I think that's just / people who do it / you'd have to be quite good, aren't you? / yeah, I mean, but ... / get up / in front of everyone, there's / there's a piano / platform / put there / have / get up there and go / it / then / have to be pretty good, don't you? / I've seen people ... I've seen people do / chopsticks / was / chopsticks / you can't / same example as me. / ... Well, even / pretend / is bad / ピアノを下手に弾く真似も下手だな。 / Yeah. But / deliberately played badly / you couldn't do that / of course, yeah / M__ / comedy festival / Yeah? / this year / piano / in the middle of the street that you can play on. / did you play / climbed / it like a monkey. ... That's what I / other things / someone / on it / put them off / recitals and stuff on __ TV / I think / would have attracted people / they would have gone, "Hey, / look over there / thing / monkey on the top / play that / you could have danced / I think, for / M__ Comedy Festival this year / that is what / should have you on top of the piano / should / by / rope / so you can't get away / allowing you to dance / you know, in a humane way you should be attached / humane way / in a humane way. Let's go down __ __ St Pancras / later this afternoon / No. / Right? / let's attach you by your ankle to the piano, and see if / monkey / dancing / not / animal cruelty / you know / you are not an animal. That's a kind of, you know / sort of / it's / comment, isn't it / it's a political comment about how cruel it is. / Oh, right. / look at Lloyd / this monkey / do / right / look how cruel / is / and then, after that / we set you loose in a field, / Right, / and I set a hunt__ on you / you / me / like that / victimize me in various different scenarios? / Yeah. And / into a bear's mouth to __ to teach bears how cruel it is / to eat salmon / simple question / pianos on / platform / all of a sudden you are in a bear's mouth / I think / basic idea is good / chain / piano / monkey / to highlight monkey cruelty ... I think / a step too far. / 最近は駅にピアノが置いてあるんだよ。好きな人が弾いていいんだ。/ あまりヘタだとまずいだろ？/ そうだね。 / よし、番組が終わったら駅へ行って、やってみよう。 / ボクはピアノなんか弾けないよ。 / 弾かなくていい。 鎖でお前の足をピアノにつなごう。お前はピアノの上で踊れ。/ まるで猿まわしだな。/ お前は猿じゃなくて人間だ。これは人々に動物虐待のひどさをわかってもらうためのパフォーマンスなんだ。皆さん見てください。これを猿にやらせるのはかわいそうでしょう、と。/ なるほど。 / そのあと鎖を解いて、お前を野原に放す。 オレはハンターを雇ってお前を追わせる。ハンティングの残酷さをわかってもらうためだ。そのあとお前を熊に食わせる。鮭を食うのは残酷だと熊に教えるためだ。/ 駅のピアノの話から、熊に食われる話になっちゃったね。

Fear of pain / it says / this is the headline / something on the table there / this ... this is conceptually difficult to grasp / OK / Saturday / other shops are available / can you give / conceptually difficult to grasp", they say. That's what / on Radio Wales / pain / you're looking over there / look me in the eyes / looking / constantly ... constantly looking over your shoulder, thinking, "is he gonna attack now? / your own garden / last thing / surprise attack from E__ / Ladies and gentlemen, if you've just joined us, Lloyd Langford has challenged N__ __ / beard-off / death / in a car park somewhere convenient to him ... for children in need. ... Uh ... "Fear of Pain", Lloyd, / Yes? / this is the headline. / Yeah. / fear of pain can be worse than pain / what do you say to that? / __ __, like, you work yourself up into a state / yeah / a psychological thing, I guess. I agree with it. / Oh, well done. It's a psychological thing, I guess / dreading pain, the thought of pain, can actually be / so, they set / people / this experiment / want / people went, "No, no, no / of course / horrible / hang on a minute / definitely / give me pain / definitely give you pain right now, 'cause, othewise, I'm gonna be __ __ about the pain all the time / worse than the pain. Bring / pain / that is the essense / article says. What do you make of that? / When I was a little boy ... / Oh god / I had ... / spark of such a ... such soul-searching from you, Lloyd Langford / I had a loose tooth. ... And I was on / next / like / like a temporary condition? Or is it / like, a genetic / no / people / call you loose-tooth / milk tooth / like / supposed to come / OK / it wasn't, like, a long-term condition called Loose-Tooth? / like, a hereditary / what's wrong with that kid / oh / he / loose tooth / anyway / my nextdoor neighbour / I was worried about the ... / the tooth to start rattling? ... Yeah. / I was worried about __ tooth coming out / Yeah? / and she said, "I'll help you / get it out / Who said? / My nextdoor neighbour did / Is she a dentist? / No. But she was ... she was keen. / What? She was an enthusiastic amateur? / Yeah __ __ __ __ it was already loose. It wasn't like she was giving me a fill or anything / scratch / gum / most of the work had already been done / tooth / already / inside my mouth / OK. / I was nervous about the tooth coming out / Of course you would be, a little boy / loose tooth / and she said / "I'll help you" / me / she pulled it out straight away / be known / the other room? / could / how could she / hey, what have you got there? / your tooth / she did it really quickly. / what I'm saying is / already out. She did it __ __ element of surprise / fear of pain / fear of pain / I was getting ... I was getting anxious about the tooth coming out / done. Look / Do you know what? These researchers, they've been testing hundreds of people / they've been / pain now or in a week's time / hey, loose tooth / tell us that story / that story, where / fear of pain was actually worse than the pain / Exactly. Exactly. / Your story c__s that research 100%. / Indeed. __ __ ... yeah. / It negates ... they didn't even need to do the research.

ready / non-story of the week / I've got several contenders. / OK. / Actually / I've got / listen to / headline of the week / listen to this: / Handful of nuts ... / Yeah. / Are you with me so far? / Yeah. / handful of nuts a day can lower death risk by a fifth. / Oh. I thought you were gonna say, handful of nuts is a suitable payment for a man / animal / you would be lucky to get any payment / of piano, mate. ... what do you make of that? Handful of nuts / lowers death ... death risk by a fifth / just holding them? / ... Yeah, I think so. ... I think / just having nuts in your hand / lowers your risk __ __ death? / of all things / by a fifth? / Yeah. / eternal life, basically / what / holding handful of nuts / you might live forever / what if you / peanut allergy? / don't do it, then / that increases the risk of death. / ... I don't understand. Like, any nuts? Or specific ones, or what? / I've just / story away / I'll get it back / まだその話を続けるか。ちょっと待て。今捨てたばかりの新聞を拾ってくる。 / you can't say / I don't know which nuts / look, I've got ... / nuts ... / Yeah? / lower ... / more specific / lower the risk of death by a fifth. So, / would you / risk of death / yeah / long term / aren't you? / a bit more / you / a few more years on top of / top / wouldn't you? ... What's the Cockney rhyming slang for "piano"? I'm trying / a couple of years / before / they wouldn't have / rhyming slang for c__s, would they? / No. The Dutch would / anyway, so, you ... / you are at __ risk of death / Yeah. / if I / as is everyone in the world / well pointed out, Lloyd / we are all ... / victimize / yeah / don't ... uh, don't panic, everyone. We are all at risk of death. But, apparently, new research / doctor / whatever / hold nuts / not if you've got a allergy. Not if you've got an allergy. But, if you haven't, if you are perfectly safe around nuts / apparently / hold nuts, no more deaths / if your job involves ... / that's what it says / involves using / both of your hands / 常に両手がふさがっている仕事をしている人はどうしたらいいの？ / then / nuts / Oh. So, it still works / does / holding the nuts / just / headline / moment / let's read the story / mate, it's ridiculous / Eating nuts / their term now / just getting further into the article. / eating nuts and simultaneously holding them at the same time / Well, you hold / transfer / using the elbow / anyone / got / in your hand / keep throwing it up. / So, you need ... in order to live forever, you / infinite supply of nuts? / Yeah. / if you ... __'s not hard to get __ infinite supply of nuts / Yes it is. This is / this is in, uh ... in the Daily Mirror / we can discount / nuts / say, a handful of nuts increases your chance to be killed / they might say that. ... "Eating nuts significantly ... oh, uh, there's more to it / I'm sure / too good to be true. / ... Eating nuts significantly reduces our chances of dying of heart disease or from cancer" say researchers / I see. So, specifically, at the moment, they're saying that those things can reduce / particular ailments / There you go. It's still interesting

"Half of us ...", it says here, / to / our lateness / this, I thought / this is a good Lunch Club feature / good meaty feature for the listeners to get hold of. Have you ever / lied / when you are late / do / give / lie / why you are late / I quite often, these days / I'm always late. Right? ... "I'll be late for my own funeral, mate, ha ha ha ... / I hope not because, have you seen / charge you now if your funeral overruns / something / sure it's not your fault / well, they don't charge you. They charge the funeral directors / funeral directors are all up in arms / funny image itself / poll-bearers / funeral / OK / they shouldn't be, really. They should wait / over / 'cause otherwise / wave / which is highly inappropriate. / how / overrun / unless you are a Mexican / overrunning? Too many songs? / I don't know. ... I don't know why __ funeral __ overrunning / story / next track if you want / funeral / charged extra if the funeral overrun__ / I don't know why __ funeral / everyone's upseting and things and they mill about / Huh, yeah. / mill about / funeral places / call / get / one door, out the next / Exactly. It's a like a garage forecourt ... isn't it? __ __ __ you've gotta get / one / way / and out the other way / isn't it? / and / up in arms / anyway, that wasn't the point / they need herders / the point is, / how do you lie / do you lie / I quite often / always / I'm always late. And my thing / go / I'm just sorry / I'm late / I'm hopeless / Saturday / waiting for me / I'm just late / no / hang my head / It's just me. I'm just late / what / late / being late all the time. / Do you? / Yeah. / how do you do that? / by preparing / people are always late / listeners / listeners / some of them / recognize this / you just ... some people / My wife can't ... she's always late / it's a lack of respect for whatever you're doing / We've had this conversation / before / lack of respect for whatever you're doing / well ... you choose to be late by not making enough effort / be early / excuses people use / I think / throw / listeners / Tweet the show / let us know / I am always late / I hate being late / I am always late / hate / myself / me / I think / I've gotta be in ... I've gotta be over there by 1 o'clock. Right? / so, I think / that means / work / half / five minutes walk / get / tube / bus / whatever / leave the house at 12:00 / get in the shower / things like that / half past eleven / stuff like that / and then, three minutes to twelve, I get in the shower / three / I start getting ready. ... You are nodding ... like this is ... / Well, I'm used to it with you. So, / often I / I / turn up late myself / that's / end / if / my lateness / 'cause I'm gonna start ... I'm gonna start / arriving / even / keep / until, eventually, we'll never meet. ... That's the only logical endpoint, and that is, that neither of us / never see each other again / if that's what you want, fine. / それでいいんならいいよ、別に。 / clever / half of Bri__s lie every day / with lateness / top of excuses / what / you / dog ate my train ticket / 犬が電車のキップを食べてしまったんです / homework with lateness / traffic was bad / my alarm didn't go off / point / can be bad / traffic can be bad / alarm clocks / can not work, though / 目覚まし時計が鳴らないこともあるぞ。 / if you don't set them / セットしなければね。 / admit / I got lost / that's not too bad, is it? / top ten / bad traffic / alarm didn't go off / my train was delayed / start / I was snowed in / 大雪で家から出られなかったんです / that's a season-specific / それは冬しか使えないね / my car broke down / partner was ill / what's the worst one / ever heard / worst / you've / ever / told /

Lloyd / got / for / for us / listner / excuses for lateness / says / locked in a pub / Locked in a pub. Right. / Charlie O__ says "My car hit a wasp" / right / worst / given / sure / they haven't specified / sure / seriously / serious academic research / apparently half of us / Lloyd is always on time / F__ says / find one sock / 靴下が片方しか見つからなかったもので ... / the best I've heard / that is a good one. Uh ... / very / know / you see / panic / disrespectful / disrespectful of people / we were talking / during this / what was it / you said / OK / my story was ... when I had one of __ very early dates / wife / second or third date / yeah / she was late / how late, though? / hours / if I was / for a date / hours late, I would never get in contact with / ever again / early stage of dating / we're talking / something like that / three / three / quater hours / sat / down / I had to, because she was exhausted / watch / I would have / I didn't know ... I / that late / shall / time / uh ... she arrived three and three-quarter hours / evening / I should point out / go to dinner / cinema / kind / 7 o'clock / something like that / I said to her, "I'm just laying out a few ground rules here / I like you. We're getting on well / time / you're a bit disorganized / same / big sign of disrespect, but, / I said / next time / arrange a date / wait for one hour / and if / one / do something else. / do you think that's fair / Well, I would / find / for an hour, personally / but / somebody / allowances / leeway / something else. I'm not gonna / ring / by the way / just / do / arrive / gone / learn a valuable lesson therein / even then / finish / off / absolutely nothing / every single date / abuse / know / hour's grace / 結局、一時間は遅れてもいいってことだから / 15 minutes late / maybe / a bit tight.

my pile of papers / this is from July / just / life / generally / I just throw things into a corner and go / radio show / circle something / one / programme / I appreciate that / someone to come in / sort of / gold / quality stuff. Look at / 27th of july / 2012. / that's how long / hording / those bits of paper / yes / OK. I hope / topical story / not / it was topical at the time / get / blown off / you can see / so quickly / this was ... this was such a good story / put / July and I forgot about it / like / man / rushed to __ hospital / collapsed lung / thinking / thinking / sure / funny / so far / funny / interesting, really / have a guess / three guesses / bad / just / one lung / yeah / huh. ... Was he / Correct. / he was / in his lung / did / just get an allotment / なぜわざわざ？ 畑で作ればいいのに。 / you know / own / peas / in his lung / awful / hell / since / 27th of July / people / accidentally / deliberately / lung / one / onions / 片方の肺で豆を？ もう片方は？ タマネギでも作ってたの？ / been battling / right / poor man / x-rays revealed / growth in his lung / you don't expect / be a vegetable / 体内で何かが「成長している」と言われたら、それが野菜だとは誰も思わないだろ。 / turn out to be something you can eat / silver / hospital / terrible / good news now / lovely piece. Try this / this / exactly / good news / got something / lunchtime / this is interesting / saying that for years / doctors believe ... / do you know / how / handful of nuts / he inhaled a pea / whistle / that's what happened / he was / exactly what happened / parttime referee / leaves / real pea in the middle / and he / took in a real hard breath / on a refereeing decision / swallowed / from / in his lung / picture there / inside of his lung / full pod of / how did it / really / I don't believe that / far-fetched / how / doctors believe ... believe that Mr. __ __ ate the pea at some point / which, I would / way / said / wrong way / not / but I would assume / wouldn't / __ you sat on a pea recently / wouldn't be able to grow / he must have undercooked it / I didn't / inside your own body / if you think / hear / dog / in a minute I'm gonna / play a track / look after the dog / first / guess what it was / well / wouldn't / peas / just stop you there / laughed / then? Ate them / fire there / go / keep on growing peas in him / world food problems / No, it doesn't. / All right.

being / evening / Sunday / What? / is that some kind of record / still / even I wouldn't wait / three days / way / especially on a weekend / afternoon / two lame excuses / collage / buss / printing off my homework / every lesson / same excuse every lesson / and / if you / same excuse / something like / alarm / work / traffic / same / every week / this is / old / in front of me / wait until the ambulance arrived / good / use that excuse every week / apparently / it's a good one / if you gonna use / have / best / always / paint / good light / unavoidable thing / kind / they'd go / uh, well, fair enough / did the right thing / one-off / good / old women / old women / in front of you every week / ask / society / is there / friend / behind them / is that what was going on?

if / why / whole show / Rhod / live / BBC Radio Wales, 11 till 1.

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